Hellgate is not a good film, let’s just get that out of the way. In fact, it’s terrible. It’s a bunch of knocked together popular-at-the-time horror clichés with no real understanding of the genre itself. However, get a few beers (or other recreational substances) in with a few mates and you’ll have a riot. It’s not the best “so bad, it’s good” flick out there, but it has some classic moments and lines that are destined to become weird in-jokes with your friends.
Hellgate is the story of a group of college students (actually 30-40 year olds) who take a trip to a cabin in the middle of nowhere to take a break from their studies. Our gang hear stories of the “Hellgate hitchiker”, a beautiful ghost woman who lures people back to her home to kill them. When the fourth member of their group gets lost on his way to the cabin, he encounters the woman and the gang soon become embroiled in the supernatural goings-on in the neighbouring town of Hellgate. Hellgate is a really odd one as it packs itself tightly with all sorts of horror tropes, leaving very little room for actual story. There’s ghosts, zombies, some weird crystal that can destroy and resurrect things and a whole bunch of other stuff that will leave you scratching your head. It isn’t sure what it wants to be. There seem to be genuine stabs at horror coupled with a weird ventures into Channel 5-esque supernatural smut and attempts at humour in places. Little details like character motivations appearing on their car license plates would indicate that it’s not taking itself seriously (the lead Matt, has a vanity plate reading “THEHERO”, for instance) but it’s inconsistent. You’re not sure whether the film is playing for laughs or not. It’s important as the best “so bad, it’s good” films have a sense of earnestness about them. They didn’t set out to make a terrible film, it’s just their lack of artistry and skill that made it a mess and therefore fun to watch and mock. Intentionally bad stuff like the recent Sharknado doesn’t interest me as anyone can make a bad film. It takes a kind of demented genius to believe in a godawful mess and bring it to the masses without a shred of irony. I’m pretty sure Hellgate wants to be a sort of parody of sorts and as such, I couldn’t quite get into it.
It’s not the worst film I’ve ever seen, but it’s probably in my top 5. The direction, camera work and sound are all disappointingly competent. This isn’t something like the legendary Birdemic: Shock and Terror. However, the acting, writing and special effects are all truly terrible. Stilted dialogue is the norm, leading me to believe that the writer, Michael O’ Rourke, had not heard actual human beings speak, let alone college kids. The actors are all terrible too, unconvincingly talking to each other in scenes that are akin to several planks of wood being rubbed up against each other. My favourite character is the 1989 waitress at the diner, played with relish by Kimberleigh Stark, who flirts mercilessly with every customer around and makes sexual puns out of pretty much everything. She’s actually brilliant.
There are some amazing bits though. The crystal found in the mines has some odd powers, usually causing things to blow up unexpectedly with perfect comedic timing. In fact, a fantastic drinking game would be to take a shot every time something blows up needlessly. You’ll be barely able to hold your head up during the finale. There’s a brilliant scene where the mayor resurrects a stuffed sea turtle that has to be seen to be believed. The film loves its slow motion, with many needless scenes slowed down in an attempt to be a bit badass. There are some fantastically awkward sex scenes as well, including the most unappealing invitation to perform cunnilingus this side of Gigli‘s infamous “turkey time” come-on.
I had fun with Hellgate. I can see why it has a bit of a cult following. Objectively, the film is awful, but it’s strangely entertaining. It’s a fascinating mess. It’s not consistently enjoyable as it can drag sometimes, but it’s decently terrible. Giving it anything more than a single star would be madness, but it’s amusingly bad. Hesitantly recommended.
[rating=1]
Ben Browne
Genre:
Comedy, Horror
BD/DVD Release Date:
3rd February 2013 (UK)
Distributor:
Arrow
Rating:
18
Director:
William A. Levey
Cast:
Ron Palillo, Abigail Wolcott, Carel Trichardt
Buy Helgate: [Dual Format DVD & Blu-ray]
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